“Where is your faith?”
The words punched me in the stomach. I couldn’t breathe…I certainly could not answer.
I looked into the eyes of my accuser with nothing to counter his accusation.
The irony of this conversation was that for years I tried to persuade my dad to have faith in Jesus. Now he was questioning mine. As I fretted over a missed job opportunity, Dad questioned my faith in prayer.
When he saw my despair and worry he tried to counter my fear with his question.He viewed faith more as positive thinking–if you just think positively, your prayers will be answered as petitioned. But in that moment I realized what faith really was.[tweetability]Faith is not measured by answered prayers. Faith is measured by the peace found in your heart.[/tweetability]
I had no peace. I did not trust God’s wisdom.
My hope for my circumstances to change was fading. From my stay-at-home mommy perspective all I could see were days and days of dirty diapers, crying children, and a cavernous hole in my heart. I had hoped to go back to work. I missed teaching.
So I planned to choose schools wisely. I reasoned that teaching at a private Christian school would be less stressful. There were only a handful of private schools in our North Carolina town where my soldier husband was stationed. The week the last school called for an interview, I was in Oklahoma visiting my parents for a month while Mike attended a 3 month school in Kansas. There was no way I could attend the interview, and they would not wait.
I felt stuck.
The lost job interview stirred my restlessness. I needed to find value, and for some reason it seemed a paying job would give me more value than being a stay-at-home mom. I didn’t want to be lonely at home. When the door closed to that job, I feared that the next year would be as difficult and lonely as the last. I did not trust that God had good plans for me.
Why do we do this?
I look back now 20 years later, and I’m so thankful for the ability to be a stay-at-home mom. My life didn’t change instantly that day Dad questioned my faith, but it was the beginning of letting go of my agenda and trusting God’s. There were still hard days, but so many good things came out of that closed door: another baby, other stay-at-home mommy friends, ministry, time to read and study the Bible, and now this blog.
[tweetability]Sometimes trusting God takes time. It takes living long enough to be able to look back and see His kindness, His goodness, His love.[/tweetability]
But sometimes trusting God is simply a choice you have to make. I’ve found that choosing to trust His goodness brings me peace while not trusting burdens me with worry.
[tweetability]Trusting God lights my path while not trusting leaves me in darkness flailing my arms and throwing temper-tantrums.[/tweetability]
If you were to rate yourself in the faith (trust) department, “1” being the lowest and “10” the highest, where would you be? What helps you trust God?
Come back next Friday for more steps to finding contentment.
Thanks for reading!